Afformation of the Day - June 10, 2010

Why do I look in the mirror and see enoughness?

What is an afformation?

An affirmation is something you say to yourself to get yourself to believe it.  I am wonderful.  I am divine.  The idea being that the more you hear something, the more you will believe it.  And that thinking positively brings positive results.  The most mainstream presentation of this idea is in The Secret.  If you think "I'm so broke", you will be broke.  The trick is to change everything to a positive perspective. 

An afformation operates on the same principle, but acknowledges that it is transFORMing you.  It is also set in a question form.  Our brains naturally want to answer questions.  This makes the afformation much more effective than an affirmation. 


An exercise -

Say aloud - I am wonderful.  I am wonderful.

And mean it. You should feel the difference immediately.

Now say - Why am I wonderful?

As you go about your day, keep the question in your mind.  And your mind will shoot back all kinds of answers.  By the end of the day, you should have told yourself many ways in which you are wonderful.  The idea is not to force yourself to come up with answers.  It is to let you mind wander with the questions.  (Like when you are in the shower and the answer to a problem just comes to you, even though you didn't realize you were still thinking on the problem)  It is like a big pat on the back.  It should raise your vibration, and shake off some dead weight/guilt/self-judgment that has been holding you down.

I heartily recommend saying the afformations aloud.  Hearing your own voice nicely ask the question, heartily ask the question is part of it.  We are auditory creatures.  Try writing the question too.  That way you are processing it in different ways, in different parts of your brain.

Here are a couple:

Why does everything in my body operate so perfectly?

Why do I love my body?

Why is life so fulfilling for me?

Why does God always take such perfect care of me?

Why is Love all that really matters?

Why do I enjoy such balance and harmony in my life?

Afformation of the Day - June 8, 2010

Why do I give and receive in such joyful abundance?

Repeat after me...

I release that which no longer services me.
I release that which no longer serves me. 
I am master of my own destiny.
The choice is mine.
I choose to be surrounded by only the greatest good.
I choose to be influenced only by the highest truth.
I choose only that which raises my vibration.
I release that which no longer serves me.

Question of the day - June 4, 2010

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Question of the day

“Why would you keep what you believe to yourself?”

"Special" Moments

Four "graduated" from the 3 year old preschool program this morning.  To start my morning off right, the older two barely managed to make their buses.  They didn't even brush their teeth, which drives me batty.  I woke up this morning to the realization that I had forgotten to buy donuts last night for the donut social part of the graduation.  Thankfully, Jim decided he would come to the graduation and agreed to pick up the donuts and meet us there.  All in all, it went off well.  We got in line at her school early enough to ensure we could sit at the bottom of the bleachers.  The presentation was cute, and after wards Four picked out an extra yummy sprinkle donut. Jim grabbed Cinco and headed outside to make some phone calls. Three was first in line and picked up a chocolate donut.  We calmly went over and set our stuff down and they happily ate. Perfect, right?  When Three asked if he could have a second donut, I decided sure, why not?  It's a celebration, so don't be Joy Kill Mom.  But Three ALWAYS feels the need to push the envelope, so instead of coming back with one donut, he comes back with two.  Which, OF COURSE, he can't finish.  >.< 
Jim heads off to work, and I snap some pics of Four with her teacher.  We throw away the uneaten donuts and head out to the car.  After a brief melt down at the car regarding who was getting in first, we head off. Since I had forgotten to get teacher presents, we head to Starbucks to get some giftcards. The car ride is full of whining and fighting and complaining.  We pull into Starbucks, and Three complains!  My kids NEVER complain about Starbucks!  But, in classic Three fashion, he is trying to up the ante and get in a trip to Target. In Starbucks, I purchase the gift cards and wait for the world's slowest Barista to make my tea/lemonade (apparently mixing tea and lemonade and shaking is a challenge for some).  Which means Three and Four, who are happily on a donut-y sugar buzz,  have managed to disappear.  I find them calmly sitting at a table drinking their milk.  Since they seem to be on their best behavior, I grab a seat on the couch to try and feed a hungry, fussy Cinco.  What was I thinking?!?! I always feel like I'm getting dirty looks when I breastfeed in public, but it was relatively empty, so if the 2 or 3 people in there were really bothered by it, oh well. Three and Four decide to take this moment to try and sit on every chair in the place.  I nix that, and then nix Four's idea of standing on the couch. So, she leaves me, goes over to an upholstered arm chair and begins using it as a trampoline.  >.<   All while Cinco is NOT breastfeeding well.  It is one thing to breastfeed in public, it is another to keep having to latch a baby every minute in public.  After deciding I had had enough fun, I put a now happy smiling Cinco in her seat, gather up my now calm ruffians and head to the car. 

Now I am a major crank.  I can't say I'm upset with Three and Four - they are just kids acting like kids who have just had donuts.  But, at the same time, all I can think is "GAH! Leave me alone!"  I can't be the only one who feels this way.  I know it happens in parenthood.  Just because I chose to have five kids doesn't mean I have to have patience.  I'm totally uninterested in the unhelpful comments of "Well then you shouldn't have had five"  or "If you were this way with two, then you shouldn't have had five".  

This month has been a month of feeling totally overwhelmed by my life.  I am ready to have an organized life, to have kids who are treated in a consistent manner.  I am ready to not bottle up my frustrations inside of me until I reach the "Leave me alone!" stage.  Starting...


NOW!

Homeschooling

I bet you are wondering what happened to relationships part deux.  It is coming, but I seem to be suffering from brain constipation.  Someday it will opt to come out.  Promise. 

I homeschooled One this year.  I thought it went okay.  Not as well as I would have hoped.  But it was our first year, I was pregnant or caring for a newborn, so in all actuality, it went off swimmingly.  He retook his placement test for the full time gifted program, and passed.  Instead of waiting for next year, he opted to go back immediately.  What followed was a couple whirlwind days of trips to the school, the board of education, to an assessor to close out our homeschool year, and back to the school and b of e. 

I have to say I am not a big fan of the immediate changes that followed.   He almost immediately after passing the test went back to being "hard of hearing" when I ask for help - and this was before even starting!  I have chalked that up to just being so much more "in his head" thinking about it.  Since he started, he has been getting less sleep, which means he has been even more "in his head".  Soccer games have been painful to watch since he has been there in body, but not in mind.  He has managed to lose at least  one half of 3 or 4 pairs of shoes.  And he is quick to tear up when something upsets him - no matter how minor. 

And I am left feeling like I do every September - that school has somehow stolen the best of my kids from me.  But this is his journey, and returning to school is his decision. 

In the meantime I will look forward to 16 days from now when I get all of them back for the summer.

Clusters

I think I've mentioned this before.  It is an idea that I learned about at the Universal Light Expo.   Imagine each soul is a grape.  And grapes grow in clusters.  The grapes that are on our cluster are the souls closest to us - spouses, best friends etc.  Children/parents are usually not from our cluster - they are usually from a neighboring cluster.  The idea being the clusters closest to your cluster would still be from the same plant, and would still have bonds with you.  The farther out you go, the less the bonds.  Some people in our lives are from a couple clusters over, some would be several plants over, but still the same vineyard.  And you can keep extrapolating that idea. 

The way this idea was presented to me is that each cluster has its' own "home", its own psychic space.  This is where we go when we are not currently incarnated.  And before we come to earth, we kind of sit down together to make a sort of plan. Imagine if you will everyone from your cluster sitting at a conference table.   You go over who needs to learn what, who will be helping with the lessons, who will stay out of body form to offer support from that side.  You talk to the clusters around you to arrange all the lessons, to arrange parents/children etc. 

Imagine if you will that Bob needs to experience being killed.  Terry offers to do that for him.  Not because he needs or wants to, but from a position of love. In order to help Bob evolve ,to reach the next level.  I like this view of things because it enables me to look at everything from a love viewpoint.  Maybe Frankie isn't being cruel to me because she is just cruel-hearted, maybe she is because she has agreed to play that role in my life in order to help me learn a lesson. 

How many of us have said "I don't know WHAT it is about that person that makes me act like that", or "I don't understand why that came out of my mouth!" 

That is not to deny personal responsibility!  It is not all fated and therefore, we can spew out whatever we want in the interest of "I'm just teaching them lessons".  If anything, it comes back to the ultimate personal responsibility.  In order to release Frankie from the need to be cruel, I need to ante up and learn my lesson.  In the end, everything seems to come down to me (us) learning my (our) lessons.  We are all intrinsically tied together.  My performance affects everyone in my cluster, in neighboring clusters, on my plant, in my vineyard. 

And yet, there is zero pressure to learn my lessons.  My lessons must be learned with love and pure acceptance.  I must truely learn them, take them to heart, to my soul.  Not for the sake of others, but for the sake of myself, in order to become myself.  To become the best, highest, most true version of myself.  And that is beautiful, powerful, and oh so freeing. 

relationships... part one

I am going to jump all over in this post, I hope by the end I have managed to tie it together.  Well, maybe hope is too strong a word.  It would be nice if it did.  But since no one reads this, it doesn't really matter does it? ;-) 

We all have friends.  I assume most people are like me and have a variety of friends that fit the different aspects of our personalites.  There are the ones I get together with to be crafty, to cook, to gossip, to laugh, to talk deep thoughts, or just because our kids get along.  Some are superficial, some aren't.


There are some friends that I feel I have a deep connection to that has nothing to do with common interests.  Not just my BFF, as would be expected.  I am talking people I seem to have a psychic connection to that has nothing to do with the amount of time spent with each other.  A girl from grade school that I never hung out with much until just recently, an internet friend that is half way across the US.  I'm not sure why the first has reentered my life - I'm not sure whether it will last, or if we are just supposed to teach other lessons right now in life.  The second I strongly feel a past life connection to. 

Having a connection with someone does not necessarily mean you understand each other.  If anything, I feel a deeper (higher? older?) part of them recognizes a deeper (higher? older?)  part of me.  And so are we drawn to each other because of links/contracts we have to each other, or simply because we have trod similar/the same paths in the past?  In either case, a deeper understanding does not mean a current understanding. I still have the same break downs of communication with them as with most acquaintances/casual friends in my life.  What do these girls have in common?  They are both very private in regards to their thoughts.  I could run over their toes, and I'm not sure either would cuss me out.  This bothers me, because I need some redirecting in friendships quite often.  Are they in my life to teach me to redirect myself?  To pay more attention to social cues from others / psychic nuances?  Or am I in their life to teach them to speak up? I know it is en vogue right now to not admit you are wrong/take correction without taking offense.  I spent so many years like that, and it has no place in my life right now.  I like direction in a relationship, I like candor, I like straight shooting.

Lately (in various relationships) I will pick up the feeling that I have managed to annoy/upset someone.  And sometimes I am aware of how, sometimes I am not.  I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with this.  At the moment, I am noticing that I notice.  I am also noticing when someone drops a shield to block their feelings from me.  Not that I EVER invade anyone's privacy, but we all project our feelings to a certain degree, and when someone closes up that tight, it is noticeable. 

To be continued...

life

This morning Jim said to me "I miss my wife".   I miss her too.  Being pregnant can be wonderful but who I am just kind of disappears while I'm pregnant.  So much of my life becomes consumed by creating a baby, that I just kind of disappear.  Jim misses his wife, the kids miss mom, and I miss myself.  It's not that they don't love me as the baby gestator, they just miss the rest of me.  I miss the rest of me. 



And yet, I am really nervous about meeting Five.  It has been so long since we've had a baby, and we've become accustomed to the amount of independence we do have.  We are bottle free, diaper free, and 3 of the 4 can now read books without help.  We can just get in the van and go.  Finding a babysitter is much easier since we don't have to instruct anyone on bottles, bedtime routines, or worry that they know how to take care of a baby.  They are all verbal, and we don't have to wonder what hurts - we just have to listen.  Restarting this journey with Five will be interesting to say the least.

Tired, lazy days of winter

I don't want to be a lazy girl.  But, I also don't want to ignore my body & spirit.  How exactly does one tell the difference?  Am I moving slowly and consuming copious amounts of hot chocolate and clementines today because I am lazy, or because it is what my body/mind/spirit/growing baby need me to do?  Since I don't think beating myself up over it will accomplish anything, I am opting to believe it is what I/my baby need me to do today.  So put that in  your pipe and smoke it. ;-)

Life and the akashic records

I have not been doing my akashic record work as I should.  I have been a bit overwhelmed since Christmas.  Added to all the things stuffed into the last week, Jim threw his back out and has been recovering.  Which means he has been watching tv in our room while in a horizontal position instead of being in the basement in the tv room. Since I usually do my metaphysical work in our room, his back going out gave me the perfect opportunity to procrastinate that work. 

I have, however, been doing some serious thinking about what I have learned during my previous sessions.  The one that has been rattling around in my head most has to do with One.  I had asked about his homeschooling.  And, not surprisingly, the most profound answer was actually a question.  The question being, what am I trying to create by homeschooling?  What type of growth am I trying to nurture?  With a reminder that if I want a son who thinks outside the box, I can't teach him a boxed curriculum. 

I have also had some interesting positive reinforcements about homeschooling him in the last couple weeks.  Having Two home for Christmas break, and babysitting my nieces who attend traditional school gave me some room for comparison.  I am able to see how homeschooling One has been instrumental in changing him for the better.  He is much more helpful, much more peaceful, and much less judgemental.  The social atmosphere at school relies on noticing differences in a more negative fashion, and on competition.  This was much more noticeable in Two and my older niece who are in the gifted program than in my niece who is in a mainstream classroom.  There is a difference between having a healthy respect for logic, and only respecting logic while disrespecting everything else.  I also notice that they place too much importance on being right.  That being wrong was to be avoided at all costs.

I find that concept to be very ugly.  I feel I can say that without being judgemental because it is a concept I have struggled with in the past.  When you are focused on being right, when you are focused on being knowledgeable, on the KNOWING, rather than the LEARNING, you really handicap yourself.  There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know" or "I want to learn that".  Learning that not knowing is not a judgement on me has been one of my most important lessons I have ever learned.  That's not saying I still don't struggle with it, but the parts of the lesson that I have learned have been extraordinarily freeing.  There is no shame in not knowing.  It doesn't really matter whether anyone else thinks I SHOULD know something ~ it matters whether I am willing to learn what I don't know.  

The chance to pass on this lesson means that I will get to learn this lesson better.  Our students bring us the lessons we need to learn.  And it is through teaching that I do my best learning.  I will strive to teach all of my children, (and I will strive to learn) acceptance and love.  Acceptance of myself as I am - and love for myself as I am.  I may choose to change who I am, as I grow, but I still love myself.  I do not choose to change to make myself worthy of love.  I choose to change as I grow - there is no better, no worse, there is only change.  God will not love me more for my changing.  I will not be more worthy for my changing. I am and always have been a child of Love.  I am Love.  We all are. 

Random thoughts

I attended an Akashic Records workshop this weekend - I have some good tools to use now.  Now, I WILL be using them.  Realistically, though, that may not begin until after Christmas.  I know there is no time like now, but I also am trying not to put unrealistic expectations on myself.

Our Christmas cookies are baking.  I'm trying not to put unrealistic expectations on myself here either, but I would like some snowballs, I just don't know if I want to make snowballs. :-)

I am at peace.  Everything may not get done this year, but it will be wonderful, and enough for all of us.  Enough is good.  Too much is just as bad as too little.  Perhaps worse.

Happy Holidays.

How much is too much?

I am trying to be more open about where I am going, and what I am trying to build in my life. Meaning, I'm trying to be more open about my metaphysical beliefs, and that I'm trying to raise my vibration, to learn the lessons I need to learn, to re-discover what I am meant to do this time around - my divine purpose, if you will. I also know that I am meant to sow seeds. And sowing seeds definitely does not involve shoving anything down anyone's throat, or using force, or overwatering it, if you will. So, I'm currently trying to discover how much is enough vs. how much is too much? I am trying to make my decisions on what I speak of based on two basic questions I ask myself - 1. Am I avoiding saying it because of fear of judgement? and 2. Am I saying it because I want validation? Both of those questions need to be no, or else I am speaking (or not speaking) for the wrong reasons. Answering those questions is not always easy, though! And I'm not always sure that I am being honest with myself. But, asking the questions is the first part. Practice makes perfect. And not trying for fear of not doing it right is not an option. Fake it 'til I make it! :-)

A bit of the mundane

I don't have any deep thoughts rolling around in my head that are ready to come out just yet, but in the interest of getting into and staying in the habit of writing this blog, I thought I'd write a little of the mundane going on in my world. I went for an OB visit today, and Five's heartbeat sounded wonderful - everything looks right on course. I scheduled my ultrasound - yay! I am very excited to know if this baby is a boy or a girl, so that I can begin planning. And making a baby blankie! In three weeks, we will know. I am going to ask my little one to please cooperate and show momma the goods! :-)

I did let my OB know that I will not be taking the h1n1 vaccine. I asked him instead to send me home with a Tamiflu prescription. It is currently being filled. This way, it is in the house, and I don't have to worry about there being a run on Tamiflu if I DO happen to catch the swine flu. He made sure that he let me know the CDC's and the OB association (can't remember the proper name) stand on it, but didn't give me a hard time about my decision. I was prepared to stand behind my decision if pushed, but he did not push me.

After my appointment, I stopped at the library to pick up some books for Two, who is home sick. Poor guy. :-( He does seem better today, but I will be keeping him home tomorrow as well. Apparently there is a very large number of children sick in his school. But, as far as illnesses go, this one has been relatively easy to navigate. A headache, sore throat and slight fever that are easily managed by ibuprofen, and no upset stomach. He was supposed to have a well visit tomorrow, but I called and changed to a sick visit, just to be sure it isn't bacterial. Which is unlikely considering the large number of children that are currently suffering from the same symptoms! (Although some have high fevers, so I am thankful that Two's is only a slight one).

Now I am going to shove a lemon up a chicken's rear end and throw it in my oven! Ciao!

Weekends no more

It is becoming apparent that we no longer have "weekends" - we have "project days" instead. This weekend, we have to make government trading cards and fill out a student of the week poster. Should be fun! :-)

Is it so wrong?

I don't want to clean. I don't want to make One do his homeschooling. I certainly don't want to run errands, or go fill out paperwork, or catch up on my piles and piles of paperwork. I want to take One to the library, get out a bunch of books and read for days and days, or at least hours!!!

That would be my idea of a vacation! Of a day spent doing what I want to do! :-)

Differences are what make the world go 'round

I believe we all need to follow our own path and that diversity is a good thing. But, often we find our path by watching others. We may watch John, Susie, and Freddie. And we may learn from them, and then create our own process, borrowing some pieces from each of them, and doing some things completely different.

In theory, this is a great idea. In reality, we do often put it into play. The problem for me, is in the areas where we tend to not be open as a society. Like, motherhood. Most of motherhood is behind closed doors. Especially the nitty gritty parts. And so, when I'm trying to figure out the best way to mother my four very individual children, I don't have enough examples to draw my own conclusions, to create my own plan. Not to mention the area of how we each handle being a mother, and balancing that. Especially when I'm struggling to define who I am at any given moment.

I understand the concept of prayer and meditation and listening to your guides. In other areas of my life, I can expect inspiration to come through my guides based on what they put in my path. This is not so easy with motherhood, because of the lack of obvious examples, the unavailability of examples. Which means I need to listen more from within. Which is a tall order. I'm just learning to pay attention to the examples/inspiration that they throw in my way in very obvious (though not always to me) ways.

I am currently struggling with who I am, what it means to be me, what it means to be a mother, how to be a mother, how to be a teacher, how to be a wife, how to be me. How to uncover the facets of myself that are hidden. How to celebrate who I am. How to reconcile my wants to be a good mother, good person, with the day to day demands of discipline and cleaning. Of unorganization. Of a billion things I want to get done, but can't seem to get motivated to do. I am tired of working - of cleaning, of not knowing what to do. I mean, I know I need to do the dishes, I need to take care of laundry, etc etc. And yet I really deeply don't want to. I have this sense of being a hamster on a wheel, and it makes me so unbearably sad. I don't want to be a hamster on a wheel. I want to embrace my life, and enjoy every aspect of it. And I'm not, and I can't figure out how to break that pattern. And then I begin to resent myself for repeating this pattern. I am missing the forest for trees, and yet I can't seem to pull my eyes away and look at the bigger picture.

I am writing this in hopes that by clearly defining what isn't working in my life, my angels and guides will help me find a way to change it. A way to get me to notice what they have no doubt been telling me.

In looking back over my post, though, I notice I am breaking so many rules of manifestation. What DO I want?

• I want to find inspiration and joy in everything I do, even and especially the mundane.
• I want to enjoy my children and my husband
  
• I want to SEE my children and my husband and their needs
• I want to follow my path
• I want to KNOW my path
• I want to find fulfillment in the mundane, and the not mundane
• I want to live in a house that is clean, full of love, and organized
  

none of my business

I have been working with the idea that not only are others' opinions of me not important, they are none of my business. Other people's thoughts and feelings, whether they are about me or not, are none of my business. Their thoughts/judgments about me are more reflections of them than me. Be they good or bad. In today's society, we tend to tell others to discount bad opinions, while we still feed off the good ones. When someone comes crying to us that someone has judged them badly, do we reassure them that 1. they were misjudged and 2. we judge them highly or judge them to be correct?

I have been really trying to integrate this concept into my psyche. That others' opinions are truly none of my business. That they only time I should ask another's opinion is if they are more knowledgeable about a particular subject than me. I should never ask for an opinion if I am merely seeking validation. I need to make my decision based on my thoughts/feelings and whatever knowledge I possess. That's not to say I shouldn't make an uninformed decision. Asking for knowledge is not the same as asking for opinions. I need to have confidence in my decision and myself.

This holds true about opinions offered even when I haven't asked. Or opinions/judgements that may not be offered verbally, but are still evident to me. This is where I have a hard time really integrating this idea.

Case in point: There is a woman I am acquainted with. She is extraordinarily knowledgeable, and extraordinarily kind and loving. She is also a lightworker. Not just to those around her, but to the world. I respect her a great deal. However, her opinion of me is not so great. She would never say so, would never even attempt to let me know this. But, I feel the judgement just the same. And I know that it is not a true reflection of me. I know, intuitively that this judgment is caused by something she carries with her that has nothing at all to do with me. Perhaps I spark/remind her subconscious of a particular person/event somewhere in a past time/life. Perhaps it IS actually a judgement of me that stems from something that happened in a past life. At any rate, I know that her judgement of me has no true bearing on me. I know that it is none of my business, and is merely a sign of an area where she needs to heal. And I sense that she keeps trying to "give me the benefit of the doubt" or in another way of phrasing, that perhaps she herself senses that her feelings towards me don't have a real base. And so I remind myself, time and time again, that there is only one thing I need to do here. Try and send her love and healing energy so that she can heal this area of herself. Not because it is has anything to do with me, but because it is obvious to me that she needs to heal in this area. I would do the same for anyone else, or if she was having the issue with someone else. Yet, I find myself letting this judgement get to me. It hurts me. And so I continue to remind myself that it shouldn't. That it has no bearing on me. I love. I am loved. I am love. Eventually, I will fully integrate that fact.