Four "graduated" from the 3 year old preschool program this morning. To start my morning off right, the older two barely managed to make their buses. They didn't even brush their teeth, which drives me batty. I woke up this morning to the realization that I had forgotten to buy donuts last night for the donut social part of the graduation. Thankfully, Jim decided he would come to the graduation and agreed to pick up the donuts and meet us there. All in all, it went off well. We got in line at her school early enough to ensure we could sit at the bottom of the bleachers. The presentation was cute, and after wards Four picked out an extra yummy sprinkle donut. Jim grabbed Cinco and headed outside to make some phone calls. Three was first in line and picked up a chocolate donut. We calmly went over and set our stuff down and they happily ate. Perfect, right? When Three asked if he could have a second donut, I decided sure, why not? It's a celebration, so don't be Joy Kill Mom. But Three ALWAYS feels the need to push the envelope, so instead of coming back with one donut, he comes back with two. Which, OF COURSE, he can't finish. >.<
Jim heads off to work, and I snap some pics of Four with her teacher. We throw away the uneaten donuts and head out to the car. After a brief melt down at the car regarding who was getting in first, we head off. Since I had forgotten to get teacher presents, we head to Starbucks to get some giftcards. The car ride is full of whining and fighting and complaining. We pull into Starbucks, and Three complains! My kids NEVER complain about Starbucks! But, in classic Three fashion, he is trying to up the ante and get in a trip to Target. In Starbucks, I purchase the gift cards and wait for the world's slowest Barista to make my tea/lemonade (apparently mixing tea and lemonade and shaking is a challenge for some). Which means Three and Four, who are happily on a donut-y sugar buzz, have managed to disappear. I find them calmly sitting at a table drinking their milk. Since they seem to be on their best behavior, I grab a seat on the couch to try and feed a hungry, fussy Cinco. What was I thinking?!?! I always feel like I'm getting dirty looks when I breastfeed in public, but it was relatively empty, so if the 2 or 3 people in there were really bothered by it, oh well. Three and Four decide to take this moment to try and sit on every chair in the place. I nix that, and then nix Four's idea of standing on the couch. So, she leaves me, goes over to an upholstered arm chair and begins using it as a trampoline. >.< All while Cinco is NOT breastfeeding well. It is one thing to breastfeed in public, it is another to keep having to latch a baby every minute in public. After deciding I had had enough fun, I put a now happy smiling Cinco in her seat, gather up my now calm ruffians and head to the car.
Now I am a major crank. I can't say I'm upset with Three and Four - they are just kids acting like kids who have just had donuts. But, at the same time, all I can think is "GAH! Leave me alone!" I can't be the only one who feels this way. I know it happens in parenthood. Just because I chose to have five kids doesn't mean I have to have patience. I'm totally uninterested in the unhelpful comments of "Well then you shouldn't have had five" or "If you were this way with two, then you shouldn't have had five".
This month has been a month of feeling totally overwhelmed by my life. I am ready to have an organized life, to have kids who are treated in a consistent manner. I am ready to not bottle up my frustrations inside of me until I reach the "Leave me alone!" stage. Starting...
NOW!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Homeschooling
I bet you are wondering what happened to relationships part deux. It is coming, but I seem to be suffering from brain constipation. Someday it will opt to come out. Promise.
I homeschooled One this year. I thought it went okay. Not as well as I would have hoped. But it was our first year, I was pregnant or caring for a newborn, so in all actuality, it went off swimmingly. He retook his placement test for the full time gifted program, and passed. Instead of waiting for next year, he opted to go back immediately. What followed was a couple whirlwind days of trips to the school, the board of education, to an assessor to close out our homeschool year, and back to the school and b of e.
I have to say I am not a big fan of the immediate changes that followed. He almost immediately after passing the test went back to being "hard of hearing" when I ask for help - and this was before even starting! I have chalked that up to just being so much more "in his head" thinking about it. Since he started, he has been getting less sleep, which means he has been even more "in his head". Soccer games have been painful to watch since he has been there in body, but not in mind. He has managed to lose at least one half of 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. And he is quick to tear up when something upsets him - no matter how minor.
And I am left feeling like I do every September - that school has somehow stolen the best of my kids from me. But this is his journey, and returning to school is his decision.
In the meantime I will look forward to 16 days from now when I get all of them back for the summer.
I homeschooled One this year. I thought it went okay. Not as well as I would have hoped. But it was our first year, I was pregnant or caring for a newborn, so in all actuality, it went off swimmingly. He retook his placement test for the full time gifted program, and passed. Instead of waiting for next year, he opted to go back immediately. What followed was a couple whirlwind days of trips to the school, the board of education, to an assessor to close out our homeschool year, and back to the school and b of e.
I have to say I am not a big fan of the immediate changes that followed. He almost immediately after passing the test went back to being "hard of hearing" when I ask for help - and this was before even starting! I have chalked that up to just being so much more "in his head" thinking about it. Since he started, he has been getting less sleep, which means he has been even more "in his head". Soccer games have been painful to watch since he has been there in body, but not in mind. He has managed to lose at least one half of 3 or 4 pairs of shoes. And he is quick to tear up when something upsets him - no matter how minor.
And I am left feeling like I do every September - that school has somehow stolen the best of my kids from me. But this is his journey, and returning to school is his decision.
In the meantime I will look forward to 16 days from now when I get all of them back for the summer.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Clusters
I think I've mentioned this before. It is an idea that I learned about at the Universal Light Expo. Imagine each soul is a grape. And grapes grow in clusters. The grapes that are on our cluster are the souls closest to us - spouses, best friends etc. Children/parents are usually not from our cluster - they are usually from a neighboring cluster. The idea being the clusters closest to your cluster would still be from the same plant, and would still have bonds with you. The farther out you go, the less the bonds. Some people in our lives are from a couple clusters over, some would be several plants over, but still the same vineyard. And you can keep extrapolating that idea.
The way this idea was presented to me is that each cluster has its' own "home", its own psychic space. This is where we go when we are not currently incarnated. And before we come to earth, we kind of sit down together to make a sort of plan. Imagine if you will everyone from your cluster sitting at a conference table. You go over who needs to learn what, who will be helping with the lessons, who will stay out of body form to offer support from that side. You talk to the clusters around you to arrange all the lessons, to arrange parents/children etc.
Imagine if you will that Bob needs to experience being killed. Terry offers to do that for him. Not because he needs or wants to, but from a position of love. In order to help Bob evolve ,to reach the next level. I like this view of things because it enables me to look at everything from a love viewpoint. Maybe Frankie isn't being cruel to me because she is just cruel-hearted, maybe she is because she has agreed to play that role in my life in order to help me learn a lesson.
How many of us have said "I don't know WHAT it is about that person that makes me act like that", or "I don't understand why that came out of my mouth!"
That is not to deny personal responsibility! It is not all fated and therefore, we can spew out whatever we want in the interest of "I'm just teaching them lessons". If anything, it comes back to the ultimate personal responsibility. In order to release Frankie from the need to be cruel, I need to ante up and learn my lesson. In the end, everything seems to come down to me (us) learning my (our) lessons. We are all intrinsically tied together. My performance affects everyone in my cluster, in neighboring clusters, on my plant, in my vineyard.
And yet, there is zero pressure to learn my lessons. My lessons must be learned with love and pure acceptance. I must truely learn them, take them to heart, to my soul. Not for the sake of others, but for the sake of myself, in order to become myself. To become the best, highest, most true version of myself. And that is beautiful, powerful, and oh so freeing.
The way this idea was presented to me is that each cluster has its' own "home", its own psychic space. This is where we go when we are not currently incarnated. And before we come to earth, we kind of sit down together to make a sort of plan. Imagine if you will everyone from your cluster sitting at a conference table. You go over who needs to learn what, who will be helping with the lessons, who will stay out of body form to offer support from that side. You talk to the clusters around you to arrange all the lessons, to arrange parents/children etc.
Imagine if you will that Bob needs to experience being killed. Terry offers to do that for him. Not because he needs or wants to, but from a position of love. In order to help Bob evolve ,to reach the next level. I like this view of things because it enables me to look at everything from a love viewpoint. Maybe Frankie isn't being cruel to me because she is just cruel-hearted, maybe she is because she has agreed to play that role in my life in order to help me learn a lesson.
How many of us have said "I don't know WHAT it is about that person that makes me act like that", or "I don't understand why that came out of my mouth!"
That is not to deny personal responsibility! It is not all fated and therefore, we can spew out whatever we want in the interest of "I'm just teaching them lessons". If anything, it comes back to the ultimate personal responsibility. In order to release Frankie from the need to be cruel, I need to ante up and learn my lesson. In the end, everything seems to come down to me (us) learning my (our) lessons. We are all intrinsically tied together. My performance affects everyone in my cluster, in neighboring clusters, on my plant, in my vineyard.
And yet, there is zero pressure to learn my lessons. My lessons must be learned with love and pure acceptance. I must truely learn them, take them to heart, to my soul. Not for the sake of others, but for the sake of myself, in order to become myself. To become the best, highest, most true version of myself. And that is beautiful, powerful, and oh so freeing.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
relationships... part one
I am going to jump all over in this post, I hope by the end I have managed to tie it together. Well, maybe hope is too strong a word. It would be nice if it did. But since no one reads this, it doesn't really matter does it? ;-)
We all have friends. I assume most people are like me and have a variety of friends that fit the different aspects of our personalites. There are the ones I get together with to be crafty, to cook, to gossip, to laugh, to talk deep thoughts, or just because our kids get along. Some are superficial, some aren't.
There are some friends that I feel I have a deep connection to that has nothing to do with common interests. Not just my BFF, as would be expected. I am talking people I seem to have a psychic connection to that has nothing to do with the amount of time spent with each other. A girl from grade school that I never hung out with much until just recently, an internet friend that is half way across the US. I'm not sure why the first has reentered my life - I'm not sure whether it will last, or if we are just supposed to teach other lessons right now in life. The second I strongly feel a past life connection to.
Having a connection with someone does not necessarily mean you understand each other. If anything, I feel a deeper (higher? older?) part of them recognizes a deeper (higher? older?) part of me. And so are we drawn to each other because of links/contracts we have to each other, or simply because we have trod similar/the same paths in the past? In either case, a deeper understanding does not mean a current understanding. I still have the same break downs of communication with them as with most acquaintances/casual friends in my life. What do these girls have in common? They are both very private in regards to their thoughts. I could run over their toes, and I'm not sure either would cuss me out. This bothers me, because I need some redirecting in friendships quite often. Are they in my life to teach me to redirect myself? To pay more attention to social cues from others / psychic nuances? Or am I in their life to teach them to speak up? I know it is en vogue right now to not admit you are wrong/take correction without taking offense. I spent so many years like that, and it has no place in my life right now. I like direction in a relationship, I like candor, I like straight shooting.
Lately (in various relationships) I will pick up the feeling that I have managed to annoy/upset someone. And sometimes I am aware of how, sometimes I am not. I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with this. At the moment, I am noticing that I notice. I am also noticing when someone drops a shield to block their feelings from me. Not that I EVER invade anyone's privacy, but we all project our feelings to a certain degree, and when someone closes up that tight, it is noticeable.
To be continued...
We all have friends. I assume most people are like me and have a variety of friends that fit the different aspects of our personalites. There are the ones I get together with to be crafty, to cook, to gossip, to laugh, to talk deep thoughts, or just because our kids get along. Some are superficial, some aren't.
There are some friends that I feel I have a deep connection to that has nothing to do with common interests. Not just my BFF, as would be expected. I am talking people I seem to have a psychic connection to that has nothing to do with the amount of time spent with each other. A girl from grade school that I never hung out with much until just recently, an internet friend that is half way across the US. I'm not sure why the first has reentered my life - I'm not sure whether it will last, or if we are just supposed to teach other lessons right now in life. The second I strongly feel a past life connection to.
Having a connection with someone does not necessarily mean you understand each other. If anything, I feel a deeper (higher? older?) part of them recognizes a deeper (higher? older?) part of me. And so are we drawn to each other because of links/contracts we have to each other, or simply because we have trod similar/the same paths in the past? In either case, a deeper understanding does not mean a current understanding. I still have the same break downs of communication with them as with most acquaintances/casual friends in my life. What do these girls have in common? They are both very private in regards to their thoughts. I could run over their toes, and I'm not sure either would cuss me out. This bothers me, because I need some redirecting in friendships quite often. Are they in my life to teach me to redirect myself? To pay more attention to social cues from others / psychic nuances? Or am I in their life to teach them to speak up? I know it is en vogue right now to not admit you are wrong/take correction without taking offense. I spent so many years like that, and it has no place in my life right now. I like direction in a relationship, I like candor, I like straight shooting.
Lately (in various relationships) I will pick up the feeling that I have managed to annoy/upset someone. And sometimes I am aware of how, sometimes I am not. I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to do with this. At the moment, I am noticing that I notice. I am also noticing when someone drops a shield to block their feelings from me. Not that I EVER invade anyone's privacy, but we all project our feelings to a certain degree, and when someone closes up that tight, it is noticeable.
To be continued...
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