Random thoughts

I attended an Akashic Records workshop this weekend - I have some good tools to use now.  Now, I WILL be using them.  Realistically, though, that may not begin until after Christmas.  I know there is no time like now, but I also am trying not to put unrealistic expectations on myself.

Our Christmas cookies are baking.  I'm trying not to put unrealistic expectations on myself here either, but I would like some snowballs, I just don't know if I want to make snowballs. :-)

I am at peace.  Everything may not get done this year, but it will be wonderful, and enough for all of us.  Enough is good.  Too much is just as bad as too little.  Perhaps worse.

Happy Holidays.

How much is too much?

I am trying to be more open about where I am going, and what I am trying to build in my life. Meaning, I'm trying to be more open about my metaphysical beliefs, and that I'm trying to raise my vibration, to learn the lessons I need to learn, to re-discover what I am meant to do this time around - my divine purpose, if you will. I also know that I am meant to sow seeds. And sowing seeds definitely does not involve shoving anything down anyone's throat, or using force, or overwatering it, if you will. So, I'm currently trying to discover how much is enough vs. how much is too much? I am trying to make my decisions on what I speak of based on two basic questions I ask myself - 1. Am I avoiding saying it because of fear of judgement? and 2. Am I saying it because I want validation? Both of those questions need to be no, or else I am speaking (or not speaking) for the wrong reasons. Answering those questions is not always easy, though! And I'm not always sure that I am being honest with myself. But, asking the questions is the first part. Practice makes perfect. And not trying for fear of not doing it right is not an option. Fake it 'til I make it! :-)

A bit of the mundane

I don't have any deep thoughts rolling around in my head that are ready to come out just yet, but in the interest of getting into and staying in the habit of writing this blog, I thought I'd write a little of the mundane going on in my world. I went for an OB visit today, and Five's heartbeat sounded wonderful - everything looks right on course. I scheduled my ultrasound - yay! I am very excited to know if this baby is a boy or a girl, so that I can begin planning. And making a baby blankie! In three weeks, we will know. I am going to ask my little one to please cooperate and show momma the goods! :-)

I did let my OB know that I will not be taking the h1n1 vaccine. I asked him instead to send me home with a Tamiflu prescription. It is currently being filled. This way, it is in the house, and I don't have to worry about there being a run on Tamiflu if I DO happen to catch the swine flu. He made sure that he let me know the CDC's and the OB association (can't remember the proper name) stand on it, but didn't give me a hard time about my decision. I was prepared to stand behind my decision if pushed, but he did not push me.

After my appointment, I stopped at the library to pick up some books for Two, who is home sick. Poor guy. :-( He does seem better today, but I will be keeping him home tomorrow as well. Apparently there is a very large number of children sick in his school. But, as far as illnesses go, this one has been relatively easy to navigate. A headache, sore throat and slight fever that are easily managed by ibuprofen, and no upset stomach. He was supposed to have a well visit tomorrow, but I called and changed to a sick visit, just to be sure it isn't bacterial. Which is unlikely considering the large number of children that are currently suffering from the same symptoms! (Although some have high fevers, so I am thankful that Two's is only a slight one).

Now I am going to shove a lemon up a chicken's rear end and throw it in my oven! Ciao!

Weekends no more

It is becoming apparent that we no longer have "weekends" - we have "project days" instead. This weekend, we have to make government trading cards and fill out a student of the week poster. Should be fun! :-)

Is it so wrong?

I don't want to clean. I don't want to make One do his homeschooling. I certainly don't want to run errands, or go fill out paperwork, or catch up on my piles and piles of paperwork. I want to take One to the library, get out a bunch of books and read for days and days, or at least hours!!!

That would be my idea of a vacation! Of a day spent doing what I want to do! :-)

Differences are what make the world go 'round

I believe we all need to follow our own path and that diversity is a good thing. But, often we find our path by watching others. We may watch John, Susie, and Freddie. And we may learn from them, and then create our own process, borrowing some pieces from each of them, and doing some things completely different.

In theory, this is a great idea. In reality, we do often put it into play. The problem for me, is in the areas where we tend to not be open as a society. Like, motherhood. Most of motherhood is behind closed doors. Especially the nitty gritty parts. And so, when I'm trying to figure out the best way to mother my four very individual children, I don't have enough examples to draw my own conclusions, to create my own plan. Not to mention the area of how we each handle being a mother, and balancing that. Especially when I'm struggling to define who I am at any given moment.

I understand the concept of prayer and meditation and listening to your guides. In other areas of my life, I can expect inspiration to come through my guides based on what they put in my path. This is not so easy with motherhood, because of the lack of obvious examples, the unavailability of examples. Which means I need to listen more from within. Which is a tall order. I'm just learning to pay attention to the examples/inspiration that they throw in my way in very obvious (though not always to me) ways.

I am currently struggling with who I am, what it means to be me, what it means to be a mother, how to be a mother, how to be a teacher, how to be a wife, how to be me. How to uncover the facets of myself that are hidden. How to celebrate who I am. How to reconcile my wants to be a good mother, good person, with the day to day demands of discipline and cleaning. Of unorganization. Of a billion things I want to get done, but can't seem to get motivated to do. I am tired of working - of cleaning, of not knowing what to do. I mean, I know I need to do the dishes, I need to take care of laundry, etc etc. And yet I really deeply don't want to. I have this sense of being a hamster on a wheel, and it makes me so unbearably sad. I don't want to be a hamster on a wheel. I want to embrace my life, and enjoy every aspect of it. And I'm not, and I can't figure out how to break that pattern. And then I begin to resent myself for repeating this pattern. I am missing the forest for trees, and yet I can't seem to pull my eyes away and look at the bigger picture.

I am writing this in hopes that by clearly defining what isn't working in my life, my angels and guides will help me find a way to change it. A way to get me to notice what they have no doubt been telling me.

In looking back over my post, though, I notice I am breaking so many rules of manifestation. What DO I want?

• I want to find inspiration and joy in everything I do, even and especially the mundane.
• I want to enjoy my children and my husband
  
• I want to SEE my children and my husband and their needs
• I want to follow my path
• I want to KNOW my path
• I want to find fulfillment in the mundane, and the not mundane
• I want to live in a house that is clean, full of love, and organized
  

none of my business

I have been working with the idea that not only are others' opinions of me not important, they are none of my business. Other people's thoughts and feelings, whether they are about me or not, are none of my business. Their thoughts/judgments about me are more reflections of them than me. Be they good or bad. In today's society, we tend to tell others to discount bad opinions, while we still feed off the good ones. When someone comes crying to us that someone has judged them badly, do we reassure them that 1. they were misjudged and 2. we judge them highly or judge them to be correct?

I have been really trying to integrate this concept into my psyche. That others' opinions are truly none of my business. That they only time I should ask another's opinion is if they are more knowledgeable about a particular subject than me. I should never ask for an opinion if I am merely seeking validation. I need to make my decision based on my thoughts/feelings and whatever knowledge I possess. That's not to say I shouldn't make an uninformed decision. Asking for knowledge is not the same as asking for opinions. I need to have confidence in my decision and myself.

This holds true about opinions offered even when I haven't asked. Or opinions/judgements that may not be offered verbally, but are still evident to me. This is where I have a hard time really integrating this idea.

Case in point: There is a woman I am acquainted with. She is extraordinarily knowledgeable, and extraordinarily kind and loving. She is also a lightworker. Not just to those around her, but to the world. I respect her a great deal. However, her opinion of me is not so great. She would never say so, would never even attempt to let me know this. But, I feel the judgement just the same. And I know that it is not a true reflection of me. I know, intuitively that this judgment is caused by something she carries with her that has nothing at all to do with me. Perhaps I spark/remind her subconscious of a particular person/event somewhere in a past time/life. Perhaps it IS actually a judgement of me that stems from something that happened in a past life. At any rate, I know that her judgement of me has no true bearing on me. I know that it is none of my business, and is merely a sign of an area where she needs to heal. And I sense that she keeps trying to "give me the benefit of the doubt" or in another way of phrasing, that perhaps she herself senses that her feelings towards me don't have a real base. And so I remind myself, time and time again, that there is only one thing I need to do here. Try and send her love and healing energy so that she can heal this area of herself. Not because it is has anything to do with me, but because it is obvious to me that she needs to heal in this area. I would do the same for anyone else, or if she was having the issue with someone else. Yet, I find myself letting this judgement get to me. It hurts me. And so I continue to remind myself that it shouldn't. That it has no bearing on me. I love. I am loved. I am love. Eventually, I will fully integrate that fact.

My cluster

I learned this weekend about clusters of souls. That we are like grape vines. In our cluster, we have the souls that we are journeying closest with. We share a "home" - the place we go back to inbetween lives. The place where we leave a part of our energy when we do reincarnate. Those in our cluster are usually those we are closest to in life. In adjacent clusters, we may find our parents, our children, acquaintances, those who are still close to us, but who don't "click" quite like those in our own cluster. The farther out you go, the less close you are.

Also discussed in this talk (which was about past lives) is the fact that we don't always reincarnate here, on this planet/universe/dimension/fill in the blank. This resonates with me, because I have always felt that I don't fit in here - that I don't usually come here. I worried my mother as a preteen because I insisted I didn't belong here, that I had memories of belonging elsewhere in another planet/universe/dimension, and that she was not my mother.

Also this weekend, in a reading I had done, I was told that I would meet someone new - a male friend. And that, among other things, having this male friend would help alleviate some of the home sickness I have been feeling. Since I live exactly where I was raised, this did not quite make sense at the time. After learning about clusters, it began to make sense to me.

In looking over those in my life, I can't seem to place many people in my cluster. I dearly love those in my life, but I still have this sense of not quite fitting in. It doesn't diminish my love for them in any way. Am I expecting too much for a cluster group? Or has most of my cluster chosen not to reincarnate with me this time? Or have I just not found them yet? Or some other possibility?

When I heard about this "home" I really wanted to book an appt right then and there, so that I can see my home briefly, so I can see those in my group. Because I am home sick. I am hopeful that somewhere out there, there are some more like me, my cluster. Because I'm not sure how I will handle being told that I am an oddball even within my cluster. I know that I am a wonderful person, and I know I have wonderful gifts to share. I know that I am surrounded by loving souls, whom I love and love me in return. I know that I wouldn't wish them away for anything. But the feeling of not quite belonging fitting in can be a lonely one.

Am I just the first of my cluster to move in this direction? Am I leading the way? Or am I just trying to catch up?

I am not trying to escape where I am. I am glad to be here, especially if it is where I am meant to be. If I have contracted to be here and experience this, then I'm all for sticking with it and living it to the fullest. But, that doesn't mean I can't be homesick too. I can miss my home and still live my life to the fullest. I just have to remember that being outside of our comfort zone can be one of the best ways to learn and open my mind. Part of this is, is remembering to live in the moment. It won't do me any good to live outside my comfort zone, if I am busy obsessing over where I'm not. But, I am very much looking forward to [re] meeting someone else from where I'm from. And I still want to schedule a past life regression in order to visit/remember/see my home. A nice visit, a nice reminder is enough.

On a related/unrelated note, I'm manifesting a psychic support group. It is time.

I am hopeful and excited and ready for this next chapter of my journey.

Adrift

Sometimes I feel like I'm adrift, floating. I know there is land in any direction, but I just can't seem to pick a direction. Where am I going? Why? It's a mix of trying to find out who I am, who I was, who I'm meant to be. Of where I'm coming from, where I'm at, where I'm going, and where ultimately I'm meant to end up. I suppose we all have the same issues from time to time. While that provides some measure of comfort, it doesn't make the journey any easier. The fact remains that I am here, looking at myself, wondering how I got here. I love my life, I love my children, and yet this lack of movement is paralyzing me. It's a paradox. If I could move, I wouldn't be paralyzed. If I wasn't paralyzed, I could move. I keep waiting for signs from above. Which I'm sure are arriving regularly, I'm just so mired down that I'm not seeing them. I am ready to raise my eyes. I am ready to remove the veil from my eyes. I am ready to SEE, and most of all I am ready to BE. I am ready to BE all that I am, all that I have always been, all that I have managed to hide from myself and/or the world. I am ready to start swimming. Get ready, world!!

Three

Three is such a mystery to me. I don't know how to parent him. He baffles me. I want so much to understand him and to help him. Sometimes when parenting him seems too much, too overwhelming, I have to sit and remember all the wonderful things about him. One of the things that helps me, is listening to his favorite song. The lyrics always lift me.

Joyful, joyful, we adore Thee,
God of glory, Lord of love;
Hearts unfold like flow’rs before Thee,
Op’ning to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;
Drive the dark of doubt away;
Giver of immortal gladness,
Fill us with the light of day!

All Thy works with joy surround Thee,
Earth and heav’n reflect Thy rays,
Stars and angels sing around Thee,
Center of unbroken praise.
Field and forest, vale and mountain,
Flow’ry meadow, flashing sea,
Singing bird and flowing fountain
Call us to rejoice in Thee.

Thou art giving and forgiving,
Ever blessing, ever blest,
Wellspring of the joy of living,
Ocean depth of happy rest!
Thou our Father, Christ our Brother,
All who live in love are Thine;
Teach us how to love each other,
Lift us to the joy divine.

Mortals, join the happy chorus,
Which the morning stars began;
Father love is reigning o’er us,
Brother love binds man to man.
Ever singing, march we onward,
Victors in the midst of strife,
Joyful music leads us Sunward
In the triumph song of life.

But, in the paradox that is Three, the lyrics to his second favorite song, go something like this

Oh, hot damn, this is my jam....

The vacuum of life

Four decided she could pour her own cereal this morning, and ending up pretty near dumping the box. Because I am not at my best in the morning, she called not only me but One. One decided to help her and vacuumed up the spilled cereal.

Sometimes I really wish someone was around to vacuum up my mistakes, and make everything all better.

Then I remember there is someone to help me. More than one actually. A legion of helpers. They won't do it FOR me, but they are always happy to help.

Thank you Angels. Thank you guides. Thank you God for ALL the helpers you send me, whether I realize they are there or not. Thank you.

Itchy

On a whim, we decided to adopt a second cat. Three was the only one around when it was time to go pick him up, so he became Three's kitten. Meet Itchy.

That's what big brothers are for

During soccer games, it is pretty common for the kids not playing soccer to go hang out with Four on the little playground there. On one particular day, One was playing on one field, and Two on another. So off Three and Four went, with strict instructions to stay on the playground, and not to play in the dirt on the t-ball field next to it.



And then they came back, still hand in hand.


Partners in crime, errr, make that partners in grime.

Three, realizing that perhaps this was not going to over well, decided, perhaps he should clean his sister up just a bit...

and a bit more...

and perhaps a bit more....

Tomato Basil Bisque, or the new crack

I cannot get enough tomato basil bisque in my life right now. I will sit at my computer eating a bowl while searching for recipes. Not that I've made any recipes yet, I'm still at the buying stage. But, since my...errr..habit is getting quite expensive, I have decided I need to start attempting to make my own! As soon as I finish this bowl, that is.

Summer changes

I find it so odd how summer changes my children. They are just not the same children they are during the school year. My oldest is so stressed and tired and not interested in doing anything we want him to do during the school year. But, he is so helpful and sweet in the summer. It really helps me appreciate him for the wonderful boy he is. And also reassures me that maybe I'm not doing such a bad job after all. I am hoping this wonderful boy sticks around when we begin our journey into homeschooling in the fall. A journey I am very much looking forward to.

Not Fun For Anyone

2 year olds can be picky. And 32 year olds can be a little rough around the edges in the morning. And sometimes when they come together, it can be messy.

For example, say a 2 year old announces she needs to use the restroom, but when the 32 year old comes to help, she doesn't do things as perfectly prescribed by the two year old. In this case, perhaps the 32 year old arranged the stool (aka as steps) for the 2 year old. And perhaps, the 2 year old took umbrage to someone else touching her "steps". In cases such as this, the 2 year old may begin to berate the 32 year old. At which point the whyamiamake 32 year old may reach a level of frustration which requires her to walk out of the bathroom. Of course, she would think that this is a safe thing to do, since the 2 year old is ON the toilet, and usually kicks her out at this point anyway. But, in the mind of the 2 year old, the "steps" need to be righted - they have afterall been touched by the 32 year old. And, then while fixing the "steps", well accidents can happen. Accidents that require massive amounts of paper towels to clean up. Accidents that leave the 32 year old and the 2 year old completely grossed out. And grateful that at least the accident was liquid in nature.

And then the 32 year old wonders why she ever gave up coffee. And is left to ponder words like Fiji.

My second is not what you call lacking in self-esteem. He is more than happy to tell you how smart he is. Sometimes this translates into being condescending. Which is why when I saw him quietly standing by his teammate, gently explaining where she should be, I had to snap some pics. This is the Two I know. The sweet, gentle soul that only his mama gets to see on a regular basis. I love that boy. And I am so proud of him I could bust with it.

And yet, minutes later, he was springing into action...

I am loving my camera. I am (very) slowly learning what it can do. I love that when I take a picture with it, I see and notice things in the picture that I didn't in real time. Like the fuzz on my daughter's face, or the way the light plays off of someone's hair. It also reminds me to appreciate the beauty in each of us. When I look at this picture of my friend Lisa, I remember how important she is to me and how glad I am to have her in my life.